I'm never sure exactly what to say on here or what to share. Lately it's just been easier to write semi non-personal posts like recipes and instagram tips so that's what I've been doing. But I thought it might be time to share a little bit about what's going on in my world.
Disclaimer: This post is going to have a crazy amount on rambling in it.
Life is really great, but I'd be lying if I said I haven't been struggling lately. Now I'm not sure how many of you reading this know, but I'm coming up on 15 months now of unsuccessfully trying to get pregnant. And infertility is tough. I don't think anyone realizes just how all consuming it can be until they are experiencing it.
I don't know if it's just me but...
Babies. Are. Everywhere.
Pregnant. Women. Are. Everywhere.
It seems like the whole world around me is either pregnant or just had a kid.
I can't escape it. I turn on the tv and there are baby commercials. Or all the sitcoms center around getting pregnant or just having a baby. I get on instagram and oh look just a few months ago this girl was talking about how her and her husband were thinking of having another kid and now they are already pregnant. Jake and I catch up with old friends, and they nonchalantly mention how their second kid is on the way. I go to the store and there are new mom's carrying around their new babies. I try to go grocery shopping and have to walk past the baby isle every single time. (Thanks Walmart.)
For a while, things were bad. I couldn't even look at a baby without having hurt, upset, jealous, angry feelings inside.
I've gotten to a point where things are lots better. Some days I'm totally good. I'm happy and content where I'm at in life right now, and whatever will happen, will happen, and I'm postive that I am going to have a good life no matter what.
But then some days are bad. Like cry all day at the drop of a hat bad.
And I know some of you won't understand this. Some will think I'm ridiculous. Some will think I'm overreacting. But the thought that just perhaps I maybe won't ever have children is scary. It terrifies me. I know these thoughts are slightly silly because we've yet to exhaust every option to try to get pregnant. But this thought seems to plague my mind more and more with each passing month. If it hasn't happened by now (especially when I've seen so many others make it look so easy) why would it ever happen for me? What's wrong with me? It wasn't supposed to be like this. It wasn't supposed to be this hard.
I've been working diligently to quiet this voice though, but it can be difficult. I've been trying to calm down and just focus on the moment and enjoy where I'm at right now. And I feel like I was doing really well until I started taking clomid (a medicine that is used to treat infertility) last month. It made me really sick. When I was taking the pills, I got the worst headaches. And then the days after I ovulated, I cramped up so bad that I couldn't even stand up straight. And I've just have kind of felt crappy ever since. It's not fun. I am so incredibly envious of the women who make this all look so easy. The ones who just decide, "Hey it would be fun to have another kid." And then a few months later they are blasting all over the internet that they are pregnant and they couldn't be more excited about it.
My trying to get pregnant has centered around calendars and ovulation predictor tests and now pills. It's all a guessing game. And it's a game I am losing at terribly.
Phew sorry this is getting depressing. The real reason of this post is that I've been trying real hard to focus on other things and to enjoy life more. I used to think that (and am still struggling with the idea that) everything would be so much better once I had a kid. Holiday's would be better. Birthday's would be a blast. Visiting family would be so much fun (Jake's family all has a ton of kids so it feels kind of weird not having any). Every single day would feel more fulfilling, more rewarding. I would have a purpose. I don't know what I'm doing with my life right now. I think I'm having a quarter life crisis if those even exist. And I was (maybe still am) letting the days slip by, just waiting on something that maybe might never happen. (I'm a worst case scenario thinker can you tell? Ha ha I need to work on this.) And I just can't do this anymore. I can't let the days slip by being sad. I've got to enjoy every moment. Because I really do have such a good life. I am surrounded by so many beautiful, loving people and I've got it really good, being able to stay home, trying real hard to start my own business and follow my passions. Not everyone gets these opportunities. We are all blessed in different ways. Getting pregnant easily isn't something that I'm blessed with but that's okay because I am already so blessed in other ways.
And honestly, life has been really good lately (besides the clomid oh man do I hate the clomid).
Fun things that have happened recently...
(Get ready for some random thoughts on things I want to share and moments I want to remember.)
A couple weeks ago, my husband and I somehow scored free tickets to Tuacahn Amphitheatre to see Disney's play When You Wish. It was unbelievably cute!! I felt like a kid the entire time. Jake was even sweet and treated me to churros because that's one of our most favorite things in Disneyland and we were seeing a Disney play after all. And oh my goodness you guys if you are ever in the Southern Utah region you have got to see a show at Tuacahn. They have THE most amazing special effects!! It's set outside so they can do cool things like ride actual horses on the stage, flood the stage with water during performances, have zip lines and acrobatics (Aladdin and Jasmine rode an actual flying carpet above the audience for example), and each show always ends with fireworks. So freaking cool. I loved it so much! And to top it all off, Jake and I sat next to the cutest old couple in the entire world. They held hands the entire show and were so friendly and sweet. A song from Mary Poppins came on and they started tapping their feet and dancing along in their seats, all the while still holding hands. It was so adorable my heart could burst. Then during intermission, the husband surprised his wife with hot chocolate and frosted cookies and she was so sweet as to offer me and Jake one. How nice is that? Do you ever feel like people are placed in your life for a reason? Because that woman felt like a kindred spirit. I had such an instant love for her. And I never even learned her name or got a good look at her face.
Also, you guys, my husband never ceases to amaze me. Is there anything he can't do?? He built me a dining table. Like legit bought lumber from Home Depot, cut it all, screwed it all together, and stained it and now I have the worlds most beautiful dining table. I still smile every time I see it. He's such a good man. I didn't take enough pictures of the process to do a full on tutorial but expect a post in the future where I share a little of how it was built and what plans (and what changes we made to the plans) and the resources we found useful when building one for yourself.
Another happy thing is Jake and I just got our family pictures taken and oh my goodness they are so beautiful!! I was going through our pictures the other day and there are hardly and of us from the last couple years (barely even any selfies) so I really want to work on that. It's been one of those things were I kept thinking, "Oh once I get pregnant, we'll get our pictures done." Or "That's just something you do for engagements or when you're getting married, but when you've been married for three and a half years, you just wait until you have kiddos to do family pictures." But at this rate I could be waiting forever if we waited until we had kids ha ha so we got our good friend Jess to take our pictures and she did such a fanstastic job! I'm so giddy to share some pictures from the shoot with you guys. They are so perfect.
And perhaps the craziest, most exciting thing that has happened lately is...drum roll please...Jake and I ripped a wall down in our house! I'm still in shock! If you read the post about my little living room reveal, I mention how there was a wall that separated our living room from the dining room and it just always felt awkward. Our living room was cramped and our dining room awkwardly big. So a couple weeks ago, Jake handed me a hammer and told me to take the first swing because we were finally going to tear that wall down. I was so excited and now my house feels SO big and so perfect. We may or may not have exposed cement in this room, and we aren't totally sure when we'll be able to afford new floors ha ha but it's worth it. I love my house so much now. I can't wait to share pictures with ya'll!
And now the reason why there are desert pictures in this post; a couple weeks ago, Jake and I went camping. It was so refreshing to just get away from everyone and everything. Just enjoy the quiet. We had no cell phone service and it was wonderful. My job makes me incredibly tied to my phone/computer. Many hours of my day revolve around answering messages and emails or posting to instagram and facebook or responding to comments or leaving comments on my friends pictures or yadda yadda yadda and it just felt so nice to not need my phone. To just have peace and quiet. I even actually finished a book for once. (Fahrenheit 451 is sooo good!!) I knitted outside, taking in the fresh air and watching my puppy explore. I loved it. Camping it my favorite.
And another fun thing I did during our trip was I pulled out my camera, and I took pictures.
Little fun fact, when I was younger and still in high school, I was convinced I wanted to be a photographer. It was my favorite thing in the world to do. At any family function, I would act like a fly on the wall, taking everyone's pictures and capturing happy moments. More than anything though, I just loved the feeling of being outside with a camera, trying to see the world differently or see the beauty in things that others might miss.
Anyway, sorry about that rant, back to the camping trip. One evening I decided to grab my camera and just walk around and take pictures of anything and everything. It felt so good to be behind the camera instead of trying to be in front of it. I loved the feeling of being creative in a different way and take pictures like I used to. And I figured some of you might enjoy seeing what it's like where I'm from because I truly think I live in one of the most beautiful places in the world.
So without further ado, here's some pictures that I thought were pretty. (I'm a little rusty behind the camera so go easy on me.)
I love where I live because one moment, you are standing surrounded nothing by red dirt and cactus plants, but then you drive less than a mile away and all the sudden you're surrounded by pine and oak trees.
When we got back from our little drive, I caught the sunset and oh my goodness these pictures don't do it justice. Everything was a coated in a beautiful crimson red.
And on the drive home, I made Jake pull over because these Joshua trees were just too pretty.
Welp that's all for today. This is perhaps one of the most random blogs I've ever posted ha ha so if you made it this far, congratulations! I hope you all are having a lovely day!
Oh and before I go, I just wanted to tell ya'll to look forward to some fun new yarn craft posts in the future :D I've been brain storming some new tutorials! So much to share! So excited!