Oh my goodness you guys. I'm so sorry that you haven't heard much from me lately. But between the holidays, having family in town, and everything else that's been going on, blogging has just seemed a little impossible.
And it's been killing me inside to not scream this from the rooftops, but I have been keeping a little secret, partly because it still seems too good to be true and partly because I was a little nervous to just come out and say it. If you've been reading this blog for a while, you know the struggle I've had with infertility and how badly I wanted to start a little family of my own. And despite how many people I had telling me to try to calm down, that it would happen when it was meant to happen, I still would go into panic mode sometimes with the thought that maybe it just wouldn't ever happen for me. I'll admit I'm a total worry wart. I always go to worst case scenario. And after over a year of trying with no results, the doubts were creeping in.
Welp, just like everyone said, right when I was least expecting it, right when I posted a blog about all these fears I was having, right when I had basically given up hope, I got pregnant.
Yep. You read that right. This little lady has a baby growing in her tummy right this second.
I'm still completely in shock.
I mean, whaaaaat????
How is this even possible??
Just to fill you in on what took place exactly a month ago today, I took a pregnancy test completely on whim after my first round of clomid. I just wanted the peace of mind that I for sure wasn't pregnant before I started another round of those awful pills. I took the test nonchalantly, fully expecting to see that same old one line telling me "negative" and then me just go on about my day. But almost right away I saw the double lines that scream, "Oh my gosh you're pregnant!!" I just held my hand over my mouth in shock for a good several minutes, waiting for the test to change, praying that second line wouldn't disappear. I told my husband the results in complete disbelief (I'm pretty sure I never removed my hand from my mouth), and he was instantly over the moon excited. It was too good to be true though. It was too easy. I mean, I had only taken one round of those fertility pills. Could I seriously already be pregnant? Yeah, I didn't believe it. I didn't care about how the home pregnancy test box proudly claimed that it was 'over 99% accurate'.
I called my doctors office right away and scheduled a blood test. My doctor called me later that night with my test results and said, "Yep Megan, you are very pregnant." And I just wanted to cry because I was so happy. I've since had an ultrasound and got to see the baby, and I think it's finally starting to sink in that this is really happening. That after all this time, I am fully capable of getting pregnant, and if all goes well, I'll have a little baby of my own come this next July.
I've been a little nervous to tell everyone because I've had so many incredibly sweet ladies reach out to me through emails and messages, sharing their own personal struggles, sending me lots of love, understanding, warm wishes, and prayers. And I know exactly how badly these types of posts can hurt those who struggle with infertility. I wanted to somehow find a way to gently break the news, but I feel like there's no other way than to just say that I'm pregnant, and that I'm still here for you. I still know the pain that unexplained infertility brings.
And quite frankly, I'm currently slightly living on edge, a little worried that at any second I might lose this baby. But at least I know now that I am able to get pregnant. That is a huge relief in and of itself.
So yep. I'm pregnant. How crazy is that??
Now ya'll know why I've been so absent and distant lately. I'm so sorry that I suck at answering emails and comments right now and that I've barely worked on this blog and struggle at posting to instagram. But with the holidays and me fighting the constant nausea and all the other fun stuff that comes with being pregnant, I've been a bit on survival mode lately ha ha I give myself a high five if I manage to do the dishes and laundry during the day. Blogging or instagramming or working on my business has just seemed too overwhelming on top of everything else. Hopefully you all understand.
Ready for some random fun facts?
- During my sad writing last month in the "life lately & desert pictures" post, I was actually newly pregnant. So incredibly sorry to everyone who felt bad after reading that. I had no idea I was pregnant, and it's how I felt at the time so I couldn't help it.
- The weekend before I took the home pregnancy test, while I was unknowingly pregnant, I totally cried my eyes out in the Best Buy parking lot while having an actually incredibly sweet conversation with my husband about what our lives would be like if we never had kids. He's the best thing to ever happen to me I tell ya. Always knows exactly how to make me feel better.
- In the past, whenever I would vent about symptoms I was having that line up with pregnancy symptoms, my husband would always brush it off, gently bracing me for when I would find out that I actually wasn't pregnant. That is until the end of October, I'd just mention something like, "Man my boobs hurt," and he'd say, "Well maybe you're pregnant." He had never done that before. His comments are actually what lead me to take a pregnancy test even though I didn't think I was pregnant. Good thing too because I don't know what would have happened to the baby, me taking clomid while pregnant. Phew. Thanks honey :)
- The morning of my "boye loom kit" post, I totally puked right before I had to take pictures of me wearing the scarf I made. Gosh I hope you can't tell how sick I was feeling at that time.
- That is also the only morning I've puked so hooray for that! Other than that I've just been battling constant nausea and fatigue which honestly is totally worth it. I'll happily feel this sick for these first few months because it lets me know that the baby is still doing good.
- I'm just 9 weeks along and my only pair of pants that still fit are some elastic band "jeggings". So besides wearing those jeans way too much, I've been wearing a lot of tights and dresses lately ha ha gotta go buy me some new pants.
- I eat so weird now. Food I use to love is now absolutely disgusting to me. I struggle with vegetables. I cringe during food commercials. I gag when I see people eating on tv. Food is the enemy. Unless it's the one thing I'm craving, the one thing in the world at the time that sounds good enough to eat, then it's like I'm eating food sent straight from heaven. Cooking has been a major chore because everything smells so strong right now. No joke, I cut up an onion one night, and I swear I could smell it on my hands five days later no mater how much I washed them. The struggle is real.
- Seven is my lucky number and sometimes I feel like my life revolves around sevens. My baby is due in July, the seventh month of the year.
- July is also a month I would randomly use as a deadline for things, telling people stuff like, "If we don't have a baby by next July, I'm totally going to get another dog." Months and months ago, I even made a countdown in my phone to find a way to quit my cleaning job by next July. God must have a sense of humor.
- Also funnily enough, I would joke to everyone that I wouldn't mind having twins because I just wanted to be a mom so bad so go ahead and bring on the fertility drugs. It only took one round of clomid for me to get pregnant which seems too good to be true. Clomid slighly increases your chance of having twins. I don't think I'm having twins though. I did start showing super early and already couldn't squeeze into any of my pants by week seven so my family is convinced that I'm having twins even though the ultrasound only showed one baby. My doctor did scare the crap out of me though because while we were looking at the baby like normal during the ultrasound, he suddenly was like, "Wait a second. I might be seeing two." And I just looked at Jake and then closed my eyes for the longest time, thinking that this is it, I'm having twins, oh my gosh what am I going to do, but then he was like, "Nah I'm pretty sure there's just one in there." Yeah thanks for scaring me doc. I'm antsy for a second ultrasound after that moment ha ha but as of now, there's just one baby who has a super strong heartbeat and is measuring correctly for his/her age, and all signs so far point to everything is going good. The baby is healthy, and that's more than I could have ever asked for.
Another little fun fact? I feel so out of it right now that I accidentally held that ultrasound upside down in the picture above. Huge shout out to my cousin Sam for not only going out of her way to take some quick photos for me and Jake, but for also working her magic to flip the ultrasound picture right side up. If you want to check out more of her work, go right ahead and visit her facebook page. She's the best!
I'm going have the chance to be a mom someday you guys. I feel like all my crazy dreams are coming true, and I still can hardly believe it. There's so much I need to do and so much I need to catch you guys up on. But for now, I think I'll just go take a nap because I'm pregnant, and I'm pretty freaking tired ha ha
I sure hope you all had the most wonderful Thanksgiving and that you're enjoying the holidays :)
I'll write again soon.
P.S. I announced on instagram a while ago that I would be selling all of my patterns to the pieces I make in my shop, and I just wanted you to know that this is still the plan. Morning sickness hit me full force soon after I announced that so I'll be honest, I don't expect to be releasing any of my patterns until at least January. So sorry you guys. I'll get over this morning sickness soon, and then I'll get better at being an adult again.