I just want to be a mom.

I just want to be a mom - darling be brave

Hi.  My name is Megan and I've been holding onto a heavy secret.  One that gets heavier which each passing day.  Any of you who know me personally, know that more than anything in the world, I just want to be a mom.  I want to have a million (more like four or five) babies and I'd give anything to make that happen.  I'd go without Christmas's or birthdays for the rest of my life just to have a little family of my own. 

I've been excited about the thought of having a sweet little baby for years now but early last September, I finally was ready to take the plunge.  We were getting settled in our new house and had a place for a nursery.  So let's do this.  Bye bye birth control, hello sweet new baby. 

Because that's how it's supposed to work right? 

You tell the universe you are ready to go and then you like immediately get pregnant?


Because that is definitely not how it's working for me. 

Which each month that passes and I get the devastating news that it didn't work this month, that I didn't get pregnant this month, my heart gets heavier and heavier.  And the depression is starting to creep in.  I may be a little ridiculous having these feelings since technically nothing is supposed to be wrong with you if it hasn't even been a year but man are we getting close to reaching that year mark. 

Last month was the most cruel.  I was a week late and had been too nervous to take a pregnancy test, too scared to possibly lose the hope.  I had all these wonderful thoughts of having a fat little tummy for Christmas and a sweet new little baby by Valentines.  I had it all planned out.

  To say I was excited was completely an understatement. 

After a week, I finally was like okay I better take a test and find out once and for all.  This was going to be the best morning ever.  I made sure to look half decent because I knew of the excited selfies that were about to take place.  Took the test.  Sat excitedly on the bed waiting the recommended two minutes.  Finally took a peek and....negative. 

What?  How could this be? 

Then not even an hour later my period started.  I maybe laid in bed crying most the day, watching garbage reality tv (and that's why you guys ended up with my random post on my throwback trip to Alabama that week because it was all I could do to force myself to post something). 

I'm to the point where I can't even handle getting on instagram somedays because all you cute soon to be mommas and mommas posting pictures with your cute babies and your cute captions about having a baby is the best thing to ever happen to you and how happy you are.   It all just makes me literally bawl my eyes out some days.

I'm a wreck.  And I can't help but worry that there is something wrong with me.  I can't help but have the terrifying thoughts of what if?  What if it's just not going to happen for me?  What if I can't be a mom? 

I'm desperately hoping these thoughts are silly.  And I have a doctors appointment scheduled later today to start to figure out what's going wrong, why it's not happening like (I think) it should be. 

All you ladies make it look so easy.  You make it look like either you weren't even trying and it just happened.  Or you just decided to take that step and got pregnant right after.  Has anyone else struggled with this?  Is this normal?

Anyway, I just needed to get this off my chest.  I can't handle the innocent (but still slightly harrassing) comments of "When are you guys going to have a baby?" anymore.  And I definitely can't handle the teasings of "Are you guys sure you want one of these things?" because yes.  Yes.  I am absolutely sure.  I want a baby more than anything.  So please stop it.  People mean well but I'm just going crazy.  I kind of can't handle anything baby related right now. 

So if I'm a little more absent on social media than I usually am, this is kind of why.  And if I seem weird or slightly depressed, now you know.

I'm sure everything will be fine.  I just can't help but worry and feel confused.

Wish me luck.


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