I just want to be a mom.

 
I just want to be a mom - darling be brave
 

Hi.  My name is Megan and I've been holding onto a heavy secret.  One that gets heavier which each passing day.  Any of you who know me personally, know that more than anything in the world, I just want to be a mom.  I want to have a million (more like four or five) babies and I'd give anything to make that happen.  I'd go without Christmas's or birthdays for the rest of my life just to have a little family of my own. 

I've been excited about the thought of having a sweet little baby for years now but early last September, I finally was ready to take the plunge.  We were getting settled in our new house and had a place for a nursery.  So let's do this.  Bye bye birth control, hello sweet new baby. 

Because that's how it's supposed to work right? 

You tell the universe you are ready to go and then you like immediately get pregnant?

Right? 

Because that is definitely not how it's working for me. 

Which each month that passes and I get the devastating news that it didn't work this month, that I didn't get pregnant this month, my heart gets heavier and heavier.  And the depression is starting to creep in.  I may be a little ridiculous having these feelings since technically nothing is supposed to be wrong with you if it hasn't even been a year but man are we getting close to reaching that year mark. 

Last month was the most cruel.  I was a week late and had been too nervous to take a pregnancy test, too scared to possibly lose the hope.  I had all these wonderful thoughts of having a fat little tummy for Christmas and a sweet new little baby by Valentines.  I had it all planned out.

  To say I was excited was completely an understatement. 

After a week, I finally was like okay I better take a test and find out once and for all.  This was going to be the best morning ever.  I made sure to look half decent because I knew of the excited selfies that were about to take place.  Took the test.  Sat excitedly on the bed waiting the recommended two minutes.  Finally took a peek and....negative. 

What?  How could this be? 

Then not even an hour later my period started.  I maybe laid in bed crying most the day, watching garbage reality tv (and that's why you guys ended up with my random post on my throwback trip to Alabama that week because it was all I could do to force myself to post something). 

I'm to the point where I can't even handle getting on instagram somedays because all you cute soon to be mommas and mommas posting pictures with your cute babies and your cute captions about having a baby is the best thing to ever happen to you and how happy you are.   It all just makes me literally bawl my eyes out some days.

I'm a wreck.  And I can't help but worry that there is something wrong with me.  I can't help but have the terrifying thoughts of what if?  What if it's just not going to happen for me?  What if I can't be a mom? 

I'm desperately hoping these thoughts are silly.  And I have a doctors appointment scheduled later today to start to figure out what's going wrong, why it's not happening like (I think) it should be. 

All you ladies make it look so easy.  You make it look like either you weren't even trying and it just happened.  Or you just decided to take that step and got pregnant right after.  Has anyone else struggled with this?  Is this normal?

Anyway, I just needed to get this off my chest.  I can't handle the innocent (but still slightly harrassing) comments of "When are you guys going to have a baby?" anymore.  And I definitely can't handle the teasings of "Are you guys sure you want one of these things?" because yes.  Yes.  I am absolutely sure.  I want a baby more than anything.  So please stop it.  People mean well but I'm just going crazy.  I kind of can't handle anything baby related right now. 

So if I'm a little more absent on social media than I usually am, this is kind of why.  And if I seem weird or slightly depressed, now you know.

I'm sure everything will be fine.  I just can't help but worry and feel confused.

Wish me luck.

xoxo

 
darling be brave blog signature
 


just a little reminiscing.

 
just a little wedding post - darling be brave
 

Hello loves!

So any of you following me on instagram know that yesterday was my 3 year anniversary!!  So exciting.  Crazy how fast time is flying by.  For those of you who don't know me, Jake is my most bestest and dearest friend.  We are pretty much inseparable and love spending time together.  I always felt different growing up and kind of never pictured myself getting married so the fact that Jake magically came into my life is my hugest blessing ever.  He's perfect for me and the kindest, funniest, most hard working person I've ever met.  I don't know how I got so lucky for him to love me like he does but man I ain't complaining.

(Since I'm in process of figuring out my business plan/branding plan with my shop, I'm keeping these blog posts kind of personal this week to be easier on myself.  If that's not your thing, check back next week.  I've got a post in the works on something new I've been trying with instagram and I'm hoping to post a little crochet trick too.  We'll see how things go though.  I'm a little busy bee with a forever long to do list.  I have this problem where I have a million ideas and things I'm excited about all at the same time and I have a hard time focusing.)

Let's take a little stroll together down memory lane shall we?

I met my cute hubby five years ago.  Call me crazy but the night I met him, I sent my cousin a text saying I found my future husband.  Now you're probably thinking that I spent the whole night hanging out with him, having crazy good conversation and that we just clicked but this wasn't exactly the case.  You see we shared a couple of mutual friends who were going to have a bonfire that night and I was invited.  I struggle when I'm in groups, especially when I don't really know everyone, so I was incredibly nervous/anxious and almost chickened out and just stayed at home.  But I put on my brave face and drove over to the college to meet up with everyone.  Now that I think about it, besides getting introduced and him maybe offering me a piece of gum, that was about all the interaction we had that night.  Oddly enough it was all I needed for me to know that this was it, that this was the guy I wanted to marry.  We both continued to hang out with the same people for the next couple of months but we never talked much that first month or so (since we are both introverted and I'm pretty shy) but I was such a nerd and was head over heels in love.  I told my whole family whenever I could that I was going to hang out with my future husband or that I had just got back from hanging out with my future husband.  (Such a creep.)

The night I got a sign that maybe he liked me too was when I was still kind of recovering from mono (I don't know if I ever fully recovered from mono #foreversleepy) and I had done nothing but take naps all day.  It was like eight o clock at night and I couldn't stop falling asleep so I sent him a text saying that he should come over and throw a bucket of water on me to wake me up.  Now we lived on complete opposite ends of town, like a 25 minute drive.  He filled up a bucket and drove clear out to my house.  When I heard the doorbell ring, I about died.  I'm pretty sure I was in pajamas and didn't really have any makeup on.  But I was too excited to care.  Hah he threw the bucket of water at me (once I was fully outside).  And I just thought that was the coolest thing ever.  Like who does that?  My Jake.  That's who does that.  Anyway, my mom came home while we were visiting and after he left, I told her, "Mom, that was Jake, my future husband."

A few weeks later, the stars aligned and we somehow ended up hanging out just him and me (all of our friends were out of town or busy).  We were watching a movie (Office Space if I remember right) and about half way in, I took the plunge and grabbed his hand.  We watched the whole film in silence, just laughing at the funny parts, and my heart was beating a million miles a minute.  We held hands the whole movie and I remember the credits rolling, just holding my breath, waiting for him to tell me that he didn't like me that way, that we should just be friends.  But thank the heavens above that did not happen and he asked me to be his girlfiend the very next day.

The funny thing is, when we told people we were dating afterward, people thought we had been dating in secret for months.  Which I thought was kind of cool that we looked like a couple and acted like a couple before we were even officially a couple. 

We had conversations of getting married about two weeks after we started dating but financially (and probably maturity level wise), we weren't ready for that step until two years later.  We always knew we loved each other and that marriage was definitely going to happen so we figured why rush it?  In Utah, this is kind of an odd thing.  (I know more people than my fingers and toes can count that met, got engaged, and married within six months which kind of freaks me out.  Sorry if any of you are reading this!  But that's just not my thing.  This little lady moves at a snails pace.)  Everywhere else the world, people probably think we were still too young/didn't date long enough.  But what can you do?  I've always felt different than everyone and I'm just glad I found a soul mate to be different than everyone with ha ha

Anyway fast forward two years and we got married on July 7, 2012 and it was the best day of my life.  Seven is my favorite number so getting married on 7/7 just sounded like the best idea ever which it was but man is it bloody hot here in the summers.  I think everyone else suffered more than me (which is shocking because I wore a huge thick princess dress) but I was on such a wedding high and excited about the day I honestly didn't notice the heat very much.

My wedding was absolutely perfect and maybe I'll write more on it some other day but for now, I gots stuff I've got to go do (and I'm sure I've rambled here long enough) so I'll just leave a bunch of my favorite photos from my bridals and our wedding day.  Like I said earlier, I'll be back next week with hopefully more business related / yarn related tid bits but for now, enjoy!

 

 
just a little wedding post - darling be brave
 
 
just a little wedding post - darling be brave
 
 
just a little wedding post - darling be brave
 
 
just a little wedding post - darling be brave
 
 
just a little wedding post - darling be brave
 
 
just a little wedding post - darling be brave
 
 
just a little wedding post - darling be brave
 

Aw it's only been three years but I feel like we look like little babies in these pictures.  This post has given me so many warm fuzzies.  Thanks for reading!

xoxo

 
blog signature - darling be brave
 

fourth of july.

 
fourth of july - darling be brave
 

This Independence Day was definitely one of my favorites.  Jake, Lexi, and I piled up in the truck and headed up to the mountains.  My family owns some property up there so it was super fun revisiting a place that was full of childhood memories.  I hadn't been there in years and it was even more beautiful than I remember.  It rained like crazy on the drive (seriously our windshield wipers could barely keep up) but we somehow got lucky enough that once we got out of the truck, it didn't rain for the rest of the day. 

 
fourth of july - darling be brave
 

A little group from my family decided to take a walk down and around the lake and I had to resist taking a billion photos.  Also, I just really want to live in that cabin on the right.  Is that not one of the coolest cabins you've ever seen?

 
fourth of july - darling be brave
 
 
fourth of july - darling be brave
 

Man how did I get so lucky?

 
fourth of july - darling be brave
 

And Lexi discovered that muddy puddles are like her most favorite thing ever.

 
fourth of july - darling be brave
 
 
fourth of july - darling be brave
 
 
fourth of july - darling be brave
 

Jake tried to convince her to swim off some of the mud in the lake but she pretended to not know what he was talking about.

The rest the day consisted of visiting around the campfire, dutch oven yummies, and playing fetch with the dogs.  (Everyone brought their dogs and we had a group of eight running around.  So. Much. Fun.)

 
fourth of july - darling be brave
 
 
fourth of july - darling be brave
 

It was so nice to see everyone and to spend the day relaxing and enjoying each others company. 

Plus my heart belongs in the mountains.  I was just in heaven all day.

 
fourth of july - darling be brave
 

We stayed until it was about to get dark and then we hurried and rushed home so we could catch the fireworks.  (Made it with just a few minutes to spare!)  We sat in the back of Jake's truck, close enough to hear all the music that was playing (my city has a local radio station come out and set up a fun show), but far enough away that we weren't crowded by people.  I was like a kid in Disneyland once the fireworks started.  Fireworks are one of my most favorite things.  They should shoot off fireworks for every holiday.  I'd be totally fine with that. 

Hope all you darlings had a wonderful Fourth of July with your families!

xoxo

 
darling be brave - blog signature
 

P.S.  I was a little hesitant to wear lipstick because my family can be a little rough sometimes and has no problem telling you that you look like a fool straight to your face (and then relentlessly teasing you for the rest of the day) but to my surprise, I actually got a few compliments.  And I was told that I'm one of few people who can pull off red lipstick.  So yeah.  That totally made my day.  Also, I've been brave and have worn this lipstick everyday since my last post!  Go me!

Have you guys been being brave and done something you've always wanted to do but previously been too scared?